Safe Words/Signals...

[mjm202036]

I just finished reading a thread on FetLife about a new sub to the lifestyle at a certain club I don't want to mention, who played a scene with a female Dom that he had never played with. Apparently this Domme does not play with safe words. The sub had submitted a thread regarding their experience and the shock at there not being any safe words. One of the Domme's responses in the thread had this from her:

"Thank you for bringing up the safe words topic. Let me just clear the air on that. I don't play with safe words. I watch closely and I pay attention, and with a new partner I check in often.

Specifically with -subs name here- last night, he wanted to find his limit, so we discussed how I would know when he found his limit, he would have to tell me. And yes, that is safewording."

So, someone please tell me if I'm wrong. Shouldn't safe words be used whether it is your first scene or thousandth scene with the same Dom(me) and/or sub? I always figured that no matter who is playing, the Dom(me) and sub should always know what the safe words (or signals, when using a gag) are. This sounds far to dangerous to me not to have these signals for safety.

[gapeach]

i saw that thread, although i haven't seen the response over there yet...

She said that he was to tell her when he had reached his limit.... in essence, that IS safewording - maybe a string of words instead of just one...but it is saying that he is supposed to tell her when he's 'done'...and, if She indeed checked in with him periodically, then She should have some idea as to 'where he's at' at those check in times..
of course, it could also be, that She's not all She's cracked up to be... i almost hate to comment from the outside like this..

i'm not really suprised that he played with a brand new (to him) partner, as so many do drop trou for ones they hardly know.. and that's usually where lessons come in.. not always, but a lot of times...believe me, if i'm going to play with someone i've never played with, i do as much checking and asking as i can.. grins - mjm.. you know that! lol.. and, if someone can't give me references, or something sounds the least bit fishy - no way i'm gonna go in to it...

if they negotiated and discussed things beforehand, and it was mentioned that She played without safe words, then, IMHO, he went in eyes wide open... if that topic was not discussed, then shame on both of them! it should have been...by one or the other of them..

i will also say, that to go play with an 'unknown' partner, in a place that you don't know anyone else or don't frequent often, is not really a good idea either... once you're cuffed to that cross, or whatever, who can you really trust to keep an eye out for you? of course, not knowing anything about that club, here again, i almost hate to comment..

i know, at the club here, whenever i play, i know enough Folks wandering around, that, should they notice me in serious, real distress, they would act upon it.. grins - everyone knows that i say, ouch is not a safeword!! of course, i refer back to my comments about carefully picking my Tops, too..and, i also will say that 1763 has the most amazing staff and Monitors, that are always wandering around keeping an eye on things... *hugs Yya'll!*

i discuss play activities beforehand, and i do mention that red means stop and yellow means slow down/change up/whack a different spot...of course, i've been very fortunate that i've rarely had to use these, as Tops have been very good at reading me, and very good with their 'progression' and style of play, which is something i check out beforehand..i also have a bad habit of picking thru toybags for things i'd like to experience... and if a Top has a problem with that, well, then, they are out for their own interests, IMHO..

just my 2 cents...

[mjm202036]

I have learned a lot from the many replies I've seen on the FetLife board regarding this subject. It is truly a choice between each Dom(me) and sub whether they play with safe words or not. I don't think I could go the route of not using a safe word/signal, myself; or at least make sure that it is understood that Stop! or No more! means exactly that. I have seen some scenes where the sub cried out with the extreme pain, but the Dom(me) ignored the painful scream and constant "ow"s but they stopped when the safe word was said.

Thanks for replying, gapeach.

[gapeach]

well, that holds true for just about everything in this lifestlye - it's the dynamics between the ones involved

and, no, ouch is not a safeword for me!! *grins*

[Mistress Whip Atlanta]

Id personally say that anyone not playing with safe words with a brand new partner is going to get more than they expect ( it could be a 2 way street, either partner could create the snag)! You dont know this person, their skills or state of mind! It is very scary, new people frequently do not connect reality with fantasy and in this case you better be playing with someone who understands this for you! Should a Domme be able to read the person they play, yes they should! However have you ever heard a sub mutter the words but I didn't want to disappoint you?
MsWhip :eek:

[Kat]

good point! im the type who will push try to push my limit a little -too- far in order to please my Sir/Ms

[gapeach]

so very true, MsWhip... some are sooo focused on not disappointing their Dom/me/Top that they find themselves waaay over their heads....i would hope that the 'disappointing' kind of things are geared more towards the 'deeper relationships' as opposed to casual type play partners - else, the casuals are placing waaay too many expectations on themselves...i would much rather disappoint myself, by doing, or not doing something, than to worry if i've disappointed my Top/Dom/me - is that just greedy of me or what?? lol...after all, i have to live with myself, not always the case with casual partners... *stops typing before i get in too deep!!*